Thoughts On Being Happy

Kentucky Fried Chicken. The greasy airport comfort food for those of us who miss flights. I miss a lot of flights doing what I do, that is, waiting 'til the last possible second to leave for the airport. Ok, sometimes I don't do it on purpose, like today, when I just didn't plan out how long it would take to pack and clean up the place I was staying. It was a friend's sister's boyfriend's place, you see, so we're basically best buds, and you gotta leave the place nice. I washed the sheets, washed his towels, put and packed everything we used in the closet all nice-like for that guy. I kinda liked him, and he was real nice, he paid for all our meals and everything, but then again you don't really know if he was that nice, or if it was just so easy because he was loaded. The guy's a lawyer, so you know he's got dough. He keeps this apartment in Manhattan, and he never lives in it, for Christ stake. Doesn't even bother to sublet it out. Now that's money.

As for me, I try to conserve as much as I an, which is partly why the end of this trip has been so crummy. True, I probably could have just taken a cab for $45 instead of insisting on playing the subways for $7. And true, I probably would have saved time if I hadn't been so insistent on having a light lunch instead of just sitting down somewhere regular and being done with it. I ended up paying $10 for a chopped liver bagel and some juice. This was a horrible idea, because not only do I hate chopped lvier, I also watched the movie Silence of the Lambs last night, and the thought of human liver--ugh. Let's just leave that one be.

But anyway, now I'm sitting in the airport terminal, my flight's due to take off in four minutes, and I'm probably gonna drop another seven bucks for KFC. I really hate that place, but it'll probably fit the bill for this occasion, I think. It always knocks me out too, which is the worst. I figure I'll get the chicken tenders or maybe some hot wings, keep it under 10 bucks, knock out for the few hours I'm in this terminal, then be awake by the plane ride. Times like this I wish I had a nice, fat joint on me. Pass the time in some ignorant, babbling bliss.

How did it come to this? The late thing, I mean. I'm just saying it like that, because for as long as I can remember, I've been either late or barely on time to everything. It's a very rare case when I'm early for something. Even when it's something important, and I know it's important, like an interview or something and not just class, I still manage to just barely get in by the alotted time. See, I think in the past I wasn't too sure of myself or something, and I didn't like being the first few people there and having to talk to people. It just made me uncomfortable, so what I did, I got in the habit of purposefully going a few minutes late. Then the teacher would already be talking, or the music playing and whatever, and I could just sit in the dark. That was really it. I was shy. Now I'm not so shy anymore, but I'm in this habit and it's just been impossible to break out of. I really hate it, actually. It makes you miss flights.

I honesty don't really know what my view of life is these days. I grew up an optimist, I think. If that means keeping your mind a little naive, a little ignorant, and seeing the world a little more airbrushed than most, then that's what I was. I think I still have that mostly, I tend to be a bit more naive and trust people more. But I also lie a lot, and don't trust myself too much. I guess I'm just so used to seeing good things, that when bad things do happen and shake up my world a little bit, I get so absorbed over them. That's probably why most of my blogs sound so damn negative.

I can't really say why it's good to be so optimistic. I mean, you get a lot of confindence in yourself, and on most days I go out and think I can damn well conquer this world. But then you miss a lot of flights in the process. That brings you down pretty low, like you realize you're only human, and you can't rise above this mess. I ain't got no wings, not enough anyway to float above all this ringin'.

I've just been thinking, and I realize that as a procrastinator is a part of how I understand myself. Like, it's really embedded, just like how I think of myself as Asian, as a person with dreads, as any other physical trait. Procrastinator. Like it's really a part of me, and I can't change it and all. I think that's probably why I'm so late for everything, because I think I will be. The habit has become trait, the trait has turned into a self-fulfilling prophecy. Part of being an optimist is thinking that you can change the parts about the world that you don't like, which is to emphasize that you can change it. That also then means that youi can change the parts about yourself that you don't like. Now that I've realized this, I think I'll try to change my mindset. I think I'll try and procrastinate less, and leave myself more time for things. I mean, I think it's pretty important now, and I'm sure it'll be pretty important in a few years when you gotta start playing around with big money and stuff. So this'll be the new leaf for me.

One day I'll look back on this article, and realize that as an optimist, one of your overriding reflexes is to want your blogs to end well.